Bonne Chance!

they say what goes around comes around

but I’m not them cus I want you safe and sound

even though you can’t match my love pound for pound

I will not wait for you to come around

cus I have my feet on the ground.






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A la Recherche du Son Parfait

Je ne parle pas du son pourri des bars et cabarets qui caressent les clients dans le sens du poil

je ne parle pas du son ennuyant qui vous dégoûte dans le métro et les chantiers de construction

je ne parles pas du son de la télé, la radio, l’ipod qui s’éparpillent dans la pièce pour cacher la solitude

je parles du son envoûtant qui vous fixe les pieds sur terre et vous mets en garde a vue

je parle du son céleste que Lucifer a ramené du ciel avec lui ici sur terre

je parles du son explosif d’une choriste noire américaine sous l’effet du Saint Esprit

je parles du son pertinent de Michael Jackson qui faisait évanouir hommes et femmes

It’s the sound that keeps the churches open and the believers closer to Heaven

it’s the sound that Beethoven and composers hear before they try to write it

it’s the sound that keeps some artists on billboards and others on the streets

it’s the sound that is always imitated but never duplicated

et chaque jour et chaque instant je cherche le son parfait

je click sur une video Youtube,

je dépenses des milliers sur itunes,

Amazon a fini par me bloquer,

mais le son continue a m’envoûter

le son parfait est le son du bonheur

une fois entendu fera disparaître tous les malheurs.






Walking Down the Boulevard of Fame

 

Burn the asphalt but don’t lose your skin
Turn your coat inside out and walk around shirtless
If you smell burnt meat don’t block the sun
I watch divas walk down the street in breathless shoes
While cars own and drive rich animals
who were civilized and institutionalized in the best schools
I sleepwalk to my slavery work for the Allmighty Dollar
I call my coworkers family because they never ask for my money
Celebrity posters on my bedroom measure my self esteem
But I sign my name on them because I make them or break them.
I have one night stand with my clothes
But I keep sweet memories of each one.
I can have fun only if I spend
So I keep dollars around just for fun.
Computers call me friendly
But I find them bossy and needy at times.
I find my identity in the city
We only worship the future as our god
And sacrifice to its altar the past and present.
We want to write history while forgetting history
Even when there’s nothing under the sun
We kill ourselves to have our place under the sun.

How the End of the Word Started

The end of the world started exactly when the handle of my toilet refused to work after I was obliged to execute some inconsiderate evacuation of what was once an excellent dinner. At that moment, I thought to myself that these ignoramuses of renters had the audacity to turn off the water when any physical containment was out of the equation. Pardon me, I mean question. Surprisingly though, as I went to school then work at night, I was shocked to learn that it was a spread out misfortune that was slowly but surely affecting houses, workplaces, churches, courtrooms, from the most dignified houses to the broken houses in the ghetto. The blonde and blue eyed news anchor with a devilish smile seemed to be suffering of a prolonged retention of bowels as he gave the breaking news that there was a national crisis of plugged toilets which puzzled the expertise of all the plumbers. Strangely it seemed to affect all the so called developed countries and every developed citizen who could afford a toilet. The Third World countries sent village experts in digging toilets to teach First World consumers on the art of relief without a fall. 

As soon as YouTube videos started circulating, it wasn’t too long before a prophet of the End of Days sect ( despite the disclaimer on all their official documents that it was a church, no one was fooled) put together a collage of overflowing toilets as his Movie Announcer voice urged the listeners to change their ways because the End of Days has finally arrived and the stench of sins had finally irritated the Divine nostrils and God struck back by afflicting humanity with a taste of its own medicine. It became a YouTube sensational and the most facebooked, twittered, tumblered, myspaced, digged, and blogged video for a month until a video of a baby farting and laughing at the same time took over.
The White House couldn’t be reached for any comments on this epidemic.
Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert dressed as plumbers with nose pins and did a special on the new jump in salary that the trade of plumber has known in the last months and they interviewed plumbers from all over the world.
Saturday Night Live kept the sketches clean from any farting, pooping noises to the surprise of their faithful audience who expected a special but they were deceived since the Doomsday band invited did a synchronized fart that lasted 30 seconds.

Late Night tv shows didn’t have any monitored and conditioned laughing audience since the volunteers refused to have to laugh without being able to relieve themselves.
It was the beginning of the end of the world and I don’t think I was ready to meet the Lord, I still hadn’t written my will, made peace with my abusive wife and bossy children; actually they might as well rot in Hell for all I care. I sure know better than to ask God for forgiveness when I have never given any.

Meanwhile, the toilet paper companies has changed their articles into nose pins and become a multinational sitting at meetings with the IMF and the World Bank, and Kent Pauper, the nose pin CEO divorced from his wife of 20 years, they had come to a mutual understanding that they preferred younger and better looking partners.  It was no surprise that the toilet making companies declared bankruptcy and some of the managers hired bodyguards because of the threatening mails they kept receveing.

I guess it was the beginning of the end of the world since the world never smelled the same way since.

“Joe, meet PC and PC meet Joe”

I face the screen and the screen faces me

I send my image to it, but it doesn’t send it back

I know you are there, looking at me from the other side of screen

I hope you will recognize me in these lines I write

I come here all the time to mumble, complain, have fun, laugh and cry

you are the closest thing to a friend I have ever had

sometimes you just turn your back on me

I try to turn you on, but your face remain blank

It’s true that I tire you out with all the ipods, jump drives, and phones I plug in you,

I hate needles too

don’t listen to those recycling jerks

you will never be recycled

you and me, it’s for eternity.

I still interact with my former friend, the one that you replaced

believe me when I say that there’s nothing between us

ok, she does have a bigger screen than you

but you remain my favorite

nothing will ever come between us

I always keep my eyes on you

and my fingers on the keyboard

It’s true that in the past we have had our differences

you wanted to hibernate and I wanted to type a letter

but like grownups, we have resolved them and moved beyond them

you still tease me once in a while in the middle of a project

but I am quick to remind you of the promise you have made.

I agree that lately I haven’t been taking care of you like I should

your screen is blurry with saliva and drinks spots

I forget to turn you off when I leave the room

but I promise to be a better man, or in our case to be more computer friendly.

Yours truly,

Joe/  but my friends call me Joy 🙂

Unknown Stranger

There was manly knock at the door of my apartment, I tied up my pink bathrobe; I did what my brother told me once to do when I hear a knock at door, I pumped my chest and used my man’s voice: who’s there? No one answered and no one could be seen through the peek hole, I opened the door only to see a cat mew and enter my door, I stepped out to see a man enter a car, I called him out, but he burned the asphalt as he rushed out of the apartment complex. Its 20 miles an hour, you jerk! I returned to my apartment and saw the cat comfortably seated in my chair. I told him: I don’t like cats and you have to be invited and wait to be seated, you better not have touched my plate.

I looked at the mixed rice and fish and I knew without a doubt that he had taken some, and there goes my dinner. Where are you from? I asked.

The cat licked himself and got comfortable in my chair,  I thought about kicking it out, but my chair was soiled now and will need it a thorough cleaning before I use it again. And like I always do, I got myself some strawberry ice cream and turned on the TV to watch some garbage reality TV shows while I gave the cat the evil eye once in awhile, but he was ignoring me peacefully.
After three days of him taking roots in my place, coming and going whenever he wanted, eating my food, urinating and defecating, I had to devise a strategy to kick him out of my place, I would pay the first guy to live with me before I turn into the cat lady.
I went to the closest shelter to look for the meanest, fiercest, cat hating dog they could have and I knew better than to phrase my request as such. On my way there, I speed dialed my best friend Amy who after having a good laugh at my misfortunes tried to dissuade to get a dangerous dog: ” no worries, my dear, I have seen how a good dosage of sleeping pills in his food will knock him out if it comes to that, otherwise, I claim you as my representative if anything was to happen for me, you will come collect my belongings and give them to charity, don’t let my brother tell you otherwise, I don’t want his dirty hands on them, you understand?” “Yes ma’am, I have 911 on speed dial just for you, and I will stop by tomorrow to see if you still alive and I don’t want your father to come looking for me with his monstrous gun”. I laughed and promised that he won’t. “Are you sure?” I reassured her that I will leave a note blaming myself just in case.

I missed the shelter so I hung up and tried to be a responsible driver. Despite the repeated warnings and unasked for concerns expressed by the lady; I got me what I wanted: a little pit bull that I called Jaw because of his willingness to show off his impressive and salivating smile. I had been stealing worried glimpses at him the whole time I drove back home, but the image of the cat spread out on favorite chair gave me the courage of David to confront Goliath. When I arrived at my house, I showed him triumphantly Jaw who was barking and couldn’t wait to get out of his cage, “you are about to get the biggest scare of your life, I have been trying to be nice and let you go easily, but no, you can’t take a hint so here we go!” I opened the cage, and the most amazing stare down happened between the two: the cat rose from the chair like a Chinese imperial dragon while Jaw was letting out a threatening growl, I was waiting for them to go at it at any moment. I checked my watch and realized that 10 minutes has gone by and they were still staring each other down.  It was time for me to go meet with my editor about my next novel. I told them to not destroy the place while I was gone and promised Jaw a gift if he took care of the other one. When I returned from another frustrating meeting, I expected the aftermath of a battlefield, but I had in front a recreation of the Garden of Eden with the lamb peacefully lying next to the lion. The blipblipblip cat had hypnotized Jaw into submission and turned him into his protector.

I raised the white flag and decided to take out my frustration in creating a story on how a cat has taken over the world, and before I knew it, a collection of short stories was produced and I finally had a taste of success. Amy stopped by and laughed at me when she saw my new family. She called the cat “Dolce Vita” and was glad that she wouldn’t have to deal with my dad or my brother.

I had come to look forward to seeing my two buddies. When my life was going along smoothly, I returned home with his favorite tuna only to find out that he had taken off and a sad looking Jaw silently cried his absence. Dolce Vita has left me the same way he came: No hello or goodbye. After two days, I resolved to get out to get some fresh air: so I went to the park with Jaw.

Who knew that on that day I was to meet the love of my life who happened to be allergic to cats? Sometimes I wonder if I’m being followed…