The end of the world started exactly when the handle of my toilet refused to work after I was obliged to execute some inconsiderate evacuation of what was once an excellent dinner. At that moment, I thought to myself that these ignoramuses of renters had the audacity to turn off the water when any physical containment was out of the equation. Pardon me, I mean question. Surprisingly though, as I went to school then work at night, I was shocked to learn that it was a spread out misfortune that was slowly but surely affecting houses, workplaces, churches, courtrooms, from the most dignified houses to the broken houses in the ghetto. The blonde and blue eyed news anchor with a devilish smile seemed to be suffering of a prolonged retention of bowels as he gave the breaking news that there was a national crisis of plugged toilets which puzzled the expertise of all the plumbers. Strangely it seemed to affect all the so called developed countries and every developed citizen who could afford a toilet. The Third World countries sent village experts in digging toilets to teach First World consumers on the art of relief without a fall.
As soon as YouTube videos started circulating, it wasn’t too long before a prophet of the End of Days sect ( despite the disclaimer on all their official documents that it was a church, no one was fooled) put together a collage of overflowing toilets as his Movie Announcer voice urged the listeners to change their ways because the End of Days has finally arrived and the stench of sins had finally irritated the Divine nostrils and God struck back by afflicting humanity with a taste of its own medicine. It became a YouTube sensational and the most facebooked, twittered, tumblered, myspaced, digged, and blogged video for a month until a video of a baby farting and laughing at the same time took over.
The White House couldn’t be reached for any comments on this epidemic.
Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert dressed as plumbers with nose pins and did a special on the new jump in salary that the trade of plumber has known in the last months and they interviewed plumbers from all over the world.
Saturday Night Live kept the sketches clean from any farting, pooping noises to the surprise of their faithful audience who expected a special but they were deceived since the Doomsday band invited did a synchronized fart that lasted 30 seconds.
Late Night tv shows didn’t have any monitored and conditioned laughing audience since the volunteers refused to have to laugh without being able to relieve themselves.
It was the beginning of the end of the world and I don’t think I was ready to meet the Lord, I still hadn’t written my will, made peace with my abusive wife and bossy children; actually they might as well rot in Hell for all I care. I sure know better than to ask God for forgiveness when I have never given any.
Meanwhile, the toilet paper companies has changed their articles into nose pins and become a multinational sitting at meetings with the IMF and the World Bank, and Kent Pauper, the nose pin CEO divorced from his wife of 20 years, they had come to a mutual understanding that they preferred younger and better looking partners. It was no surprise that the toilet making companies declared bankruptcy and some of the managers hired bodyguards because of the threatening mails they kept receveing.
I guess it was the beginning of the end of the world since the world never smelled the same way since.