Sans rancune, je l’espère

Do you love me?

She asked. A silence of a few minutes followed. It was a “I love you so much that I don’t know what to say” silence and yet…Did I love her? So much needed to be said and nothing was going to be said. I remembered the first time I saw her. She was seriously immersed in her work, and I couldn’t help but stare at her even though it seemed that the world around her stood still and only the work in front of her remained in motion. She had brought my world to a full stop and she was the only one making my heart beat.

But I love you.

she said. And yes she did. I always could see it in the small gestures, movements, and in the space between us.

I don’t.

I said. But I meant: It’s complicated. Her love is a clear spring water while mine is a muddy swamp.

I know. Sometimes I am not man enough to love you and die for you because I wouldn’t know how to do it for myself even if I knew how. So yes, I let you go. I let us go. Sans rancune, je l’espère.

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